Even Then

“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14)

Much has happened recently, which makes the idea of writing a little stressful—I prefer writing in chronological order, or at least topical, but many things have piled up in a ragged, anxious, colorful heap of yet-to-be-unwound creative ideas. For instance, there are still one or two aspects of Miami that should have been addressed. Or, there were those four hours, one day late in April, which were epically strange and changed the course of my life forever.

 Or, the fact that I graduated from NYU two days ago.

 But this most likely will be my only post for May, as I leave for San Diego this Sunday until June—my brief break from New York during which I will gain even more loose threads needing weaving—and my last two days have been pivotal enough to deserve special attention.

 My parents and I flew home yesterday, and I’ve mostly spent my time deep-cleaning my room: sorting through relics of the last 21 years, getting coated in dust, reminiscing, and generally being amused by the things I uncovered. Notably, there were just piles and piles of awards I’d strove so hard for in high school and found my identity in. Many I don’t remember ever receiving and many, I’m happy to say, I threw out without a twinge. The change God wrought in me during college was very good.
 

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ…” (Philippians 3:7-8)

There were some hidden gems that I must list here: agendas from high school and freshmen year of college, a physics homework dated 4 May 2007, a purple Walkman with an Andy Williams Christmas CD still in it, four seasons' worth of line-ups for track and field meets, unbelievably embarrassing scraps of stories written by my younger—and apparently already relationship challenged?—self (that will never again see the light of day), my UCLA acceptance letter (Why did I keep that? What might my life have looked like?), and an old notebook comparing college choices—“NYU- Actuarial Science” with a little star next to it.

 

 

I threw all of it out with little remorse. (Except the Walkman—that CD definitely wasn't mine). It was a beautiful and remarkably cleansing experience, sloughing off dead skin, a false mask I'd clung to for years, layers and layers of dust and rubbish and stains. Even though I didn't remember many of the artifacts, it was uplifting and a final release to see them disappear underneath the black lip of the industrial-sized garbage bags. I was actively and very physically putting aside elements of my old self and choosing God—another baptism, my second in three weeks—and it was perfectly symbolic for this unique time of transition in my life. 

 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 
(2 Corinthians 5:17)
 

Somewhat surprising to me, however, was that there were fairly frequent run-ins with Christian paraphernalia dated pre-college: a “Got Jesus?” book cover and cross necklaces I beaded myself. Since I officially consider my turning point during my freshmen year of college, it was interesting to see little indications of how Christ was drawing me toward Himself even then.

 

 

 My favorite encounter, though, was a notebook I seem to have intended to fill with a thorough analysis of the [NKJV] Bible. I started with Genesis, poor me, which may explain why only about a page and a third of this 500-page notebook was filled. (Or, it could just be indicative of my eternal habit to not finish things). But it is dated 23 March 2006, which is almost two years prior to the day that I really ‘accepted Christ’—diving headfirst into His comfort for the sake of my life—what, again, I call my turning point. And it does contain some interesting observations—I wrote out Genesis 1:26 and noted that it was important because it tells that we are created in His image. In response to Genesis 2:3, I noted that, ‘If God will take a break and be appreciative, we can too.’

I failed to take that advice for the longest time.

I just keep thinking how, even among so much junk I threw away without a second glance, even then, there were precious, little seeds sprouting already being grown by God, and that verse I began this year with comes again to mind:

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)